Blah blah blah…….

People can be totally ridiculously insane! They get angry at you for speaking the truth, they ignore your attempt to make things right and lastly, they prove your point without realizing it. Sounds impossible? Not!!

I don’t think I need to push further into that because I feel I have better things to talk about. Hmm. Yes, talking is good. If you talk and not assume things, it will clear things out. Now now, when you assume things, you make an ass out of you and me and I don’t think I’m in the mood for that.

I’m in the mood for money making! Wehoooo! Come to think of it, my life isn’t all that bad. No doubt crappy things always happen to me. Like how I have to fork out 1200 bucks to pay for my fees in 1 week! My mum helped me. I feel bad cuz she just paid for my bro’s semester. Grr. Stupid college. Like how I’ve quit my fulltime job to get back to my studying and I’m kinda broke? I’ve kinda got another job. Those event thingies. ^_^ and also Sbux!! So its all great. I have Ying , Yan and Yeen who make me laugh like crazy! The crazy Y’s!! Hahahahah!

Its Yeen yeen’s birthday today!!

Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to LIONG SHIH YEEN! Happy birthday to you!!! Muaxxx!.. ^_^

I can’t believe I forgot someone’s birthday! I feel like such a blahh.. I forgot Brendan’s birthday! I know he is my ex but I still feel terrible cuz I was talking to him without knowing it is his birthday. I was wondering though and Mad told me its today! 26th July..

Say its weird but I woke up and I was like.. I’m forgetting something but I didn’t think much of it.So stupid of me! Aihh..

I went for class today. I kinda thought it would be boring but it was very very interesting. I really enjoyed myself cuz as students we usually are not able to speak or challenge the lecturer but this lecturer is super cool! He lets us have our opinion and since its Moral Studies, its a very subjective topic so there are no right answers to the questions, we just need to justify our answers!

Everyone had their own opinion about what moral is all about. This is why the subject is so interesting! Weeeeeeeeee!!

What is happiness? What is love? Such a general question right? I can say that for this moment in time, I am happy and I am inlove. You won’t know what love is until it hits you in the head hard. For me.. Its someone who just cares for you and makes funny monkey faces to make you smile when you’re sad. Takes you out eventhough you both are broke just to eat fried chicken which you love. Talks to you at 6 in the morning when you have a crisis. Respects you for who you are. Doesn’t yell at you unless you are the one who starts arguing about stupid and crazy things and he would say something like " can you please stop saying things like that " meaning he wants the yelling to stop. Understands that you need your own space and lets you out to have fun. Keeps you company when you’re waiting for someone. Takes you to see the doctor when you can’t go yourself eventhough you insist you can drive yourself. Makes you smile with crazy jokes. Is always there no matter what. Gives you cute and crazy nicknames. Thats just a fraction of what I feel love is. If i write it all, I don’t think there will be an ending.

Love you Reginald!! Muaxxx! ^_^

Nothing is as how you view it. How can I expect you to see things from my point of view when naturally, people are only interested in their own thoughts and opinions.

The last post was a little crazy I admit. I was just venting out my frustration which kinda got the wrong response. Sometimes, when you go through certain situations where you just want your space, you can’t help but want to be alone or with people who help ease your pain.

You give and give and give but now its time for you to start taking. There comes a time when there is nothing left for you to give because your brain gets so jammed up and your life is in a mess which no one can relate to and all you can do is mope about cuz thats how youre really feeling.

Thanks for the many nice advices I’ve received and I am talking to my friend once again. Its mostly because I really miss her. I know for a fact things aren’t going to be like it used to because of a few issues, but it sure is nice to be friends back again.

Maybe one day we all shall be great friends again…

I got kicked out of class yesterday for something that wasn’t even my fault! Some stupid jerk who happens to be a datuk’s son insulted the lecturer and just because he happens to be in the business class, the whole business class got kicked out! MY GOD! I do not spend money like water and I certainly work hard for my money. I swear that he will lose everything he has only to suffer later on in life! HA HA HA! What a jerk!!!

I have decided to focus on better things in life eventhough life has been treating me crazy. I’m trying to not take things personally.. ^_^ Its difficult when its about my life. I guess that is the best way to move on with life. I feel I’ve lost like a month of my life driving myself crazy for something I did not deserve.

Realize how you made up your mind about something but now you are rethinking your decision because you aren’t really sure about things? Yes, that is how I feel now. Whoa wait a second. Its not what you think. Its not about the whole betrayal issue. This is about something which you know you want but it takes time to achieve it and the question here is, “How bad do you actually want it?”

Yes, how badly do I want it? Pretty bad I think. Yet, I’m not sure. Hmm. This is a life changing decision. No, I’m not about to kill myself although I did think about it. (Hello! I’m not that dumb) So anyway, its gonna take hard work and a lot of time and I think I am willing to take the challenge. I so wanna kick myself now. Haha!

I don’t quite know whats right and whats wrong for me. What I do know is, I do everything for a reason even though I don’t really know the reason for this yet. We shall just wait and see the outcome of it all. ^_^

OMG, you know who deserves the finger?! Some stupid useless customer who demanded to sit inside even though there was no space! I had to carry in a table just for him and his stupid friends. M**HER F**KER! And dare he complain some more. Sheesh! He is so rich, yet so DAMN snobbish. People like him do not deserve respect for he does not respect anyone else. OLD JERK!

I particularly like this picture which was taken in Genting. I know I’m supposed to be wearing a sweater instead of shorts, but we stayed in Awana. This holiday will hold many memories for me because of certain stupid things that happened. Oh well, life goes on.

Back to work! I’m feeling great. All bad feelings were blocked by the scrubbing and cleaning I did. ^_^. I cleaned the grease trap for Yeen with Diana. I swept and mopped the floor. I also washed the sink. Ahh, feels great! I wasn’t supposed to work today but Clara can’t work, so I’m just helping out. Besides, I have not been on duty since last week so yea, its all great.

I’m even doing middle on Saturday. I just need to keep busy. Besides, Regi is also working, I’ll be alone. I could also use the extra money. And Sasha can’t really work.

One crappy thing is, I was having my dinner in the B.O.H,( Yeen is a darling cuz she bought nasi lemak for me ) I suddenly thought of those times "we" were out there laughing and screaming. This is what I knew would happen actually. I did feel bad for a moment. Then Yeen came in and we started yapping away like usual.

Ewww! Another customer asked for my number. Yuck! Last week was a Malay-uncle-looking-man. This week, it was a Chinese-uncle-looking-man. Yuck!!

Steven is right, I do need people around me. It doesn’t let my mind start wondering around in unwanted thoughts. I’m gonna work to occupy myself. Its all okay. Regi rather I do something then start thinking crazy. ^_^

Its already 2.15am and I kinda just got home. Very tired. *yawn* I was scared to be away from Yeen. Lol. I was a little clingy today. Wherever she went, I’d say " Yeen, where you going?? " > I can’t help it ok < Tomorrow, I’ll be working without her. I’ll be with Allen. I just hope I can be fully okay. But I’ll try. Its not easy ok!! One step at a time ^_^

I am feeling much stronger today. I’m not sure about being in contact with people yet but I am trying.

This is the first time a tragedy happened and I actually leaned on my friends. I am so used to shutting people out that I never knew that by sharing my trauma, I would feel better. I do feel much better now.

I never thought I’d have the guts to actually slap him. I did.My hand just went flying. I even made him cry. He bloody hell deserved it. I have learnt a very valueble lesson here. So has he. I may have cursed him as well yesterday night. I did. I said it loud. I wish and hope someone does this to someone he loves and cares about and I will never forgive him. I also said that he works so hard to be someone big but I told him he won’t make it big. I will never forgive him. He will have to live the rest of his life with this guilt and on the day he dies, he will remember me as the person who never forgave him. I hate him.

Ying maybe right, this is his punnishment. He will have to live with this the rest of his life. By confronting him yesterday, I found a part of myself I never knew I had. I have strength and a voice. I have a right to voice out what I feel is wrong. I used to bottle it up. Not knowing what to do. Thinking things happen because I did something wrong. Not anymore. Never again.

I may be bouncing back really soon but this is what I needed. Since Sunday, I kept silent, crying, feeling self-pity,insecure,scared. I knew I needed to face him and speak my mind. Marcia needed to see him for something,so I followed her. On the way, I was planning what to say and she said that I don’t need to plan because it will all come out. It did. Its like word diarrhoea. Once I started to speak, everything came out.

I admit, I did have the feeling I might regret doing that but I knew I needed to do it so I went ahead with it. I will never forget what he did. I pray this never happens to anyone close to me.

I still need time. I may have stopped crying at night and when I wake up but I need to accept what happened and make sure I take all precaution in preventing it for ever happening again. Its gonna take a while but I think I’m on the right path.

Thanks everyone.. It really means alot to me. Love you all so much!

Its almost 4 am and I can’t sleep. I have not been home since last Saturday. It feels weird. I know its my room and all, but somehow it feels different. Maybe I’m just thinking too much.

I feel like crap. I know I’m supposed to be strong but when I’m alone, all the thoughts keep flooding back to my mind. I am already exhausted with everything but I can’t help it. I seem to always need someone beside me and I hate that feeling cuz I could always deal with things on my own and I loved my space.

His sister came and saw me today. He knew nothing about it. She spoke to me not as his sister, but as my friend, someone who is always there to give me support. She did console me and she did tell me that its my choice to forgive him or not and I told her what I feel and she says she doesn’t blame me for feeling this way as she does too.

I think I’ve stopped blaming myself for what happened. Its not my fault. I was only being a friend. A really good friend. I will get through this. I am a survivor!…

Lol, this isn’t exactly the song but it does have the same meaning that I’m a survivor so, yea.. ^_^

"I Will Survive"

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
’cause you’re not welcome anymore
weren’t you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
Did you think I’d crumble
Did you think I’d lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
Oh as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
and I’ll survive
I will survive

I’ve done so much of damage to myself. Its time I changed some things about me that not so good..

There are many people that care and understand this feeling, I’ve come to understand that I am not alone in this. I have people to lean on. There is a reason for everything and a lesson to be learnt. I just don’t know the reason for this yet, but the lesson I’ve learnt is, I should stand strong no matter what.

I have been betrayed! Betrayed!! I will never forgive you. NEVER. Get out of my life. I do not want anything to do with you anymore. You really hurt me. I don’t understand why you did it. If u claim you like me, you would not have done it.

One day, you will realize what you have done and by that time, you will be alone and I hope someone does this to someone you love and care about. Only then will you feel that pain. Eventhough the pain you would feel would just be a fraction of what I feel. At least you would have an idea.

We will never be friends again. Even if we do, it will not be in this life. You make me sick.I have lost all my appetite. You disgust me. I want to tell your family and friends about what you have done. But, will it make a difference? Will there be anything to prove you have changed? I don’t know.

What I do know is, your sufferings right not are nothing compared to mine. Keep in mind I am the victim here and not you.So stop being like you need someone to understand you. You need help. Go get some before you start hurting others.

You do not deserve to be friends with anyone. No one deserves a friend like you.

Lucky for me I have Ying, Viv, Kev, Ulrica, Yeen and my love Reginald in my life. Without them, I would have done something stupid. I hope and pray that you will never find happiness in your life. Call me mean, but you have hurt people around you with your stupidity. You can blame no one but yourself. I will forever hate you.

I’m writing in black because I don’t feel like writing in any other cherry color. Today is the day that I have been hurt badly by someone who I trust alot. It hurts alot mainly because, even after knowing the person for about 4 years, I cannot believe that the person could go that low. Its disappointing.

Many of us are after discovering what a JERK he really is. I spoke to someone’s mother and she said its lucky that I finally know the persons true colors instead of the situation being worse in the future.

Maybe its my fault. I don’t know. One thing for sure I will never ever forgive the person for what they have done no matter what.

*** The excuse you gave is stupid. I do not believe it! How can I?! Answer me that! I have a right to be angry. I can honestly say I hate you for what you have done. I can never bring myself to forgive you no matter what you say. Even if I do, it will not be anytime soon. I do not want to talk to you or see you. Please do not try to contact me. I will hate you even more for that. You did not respect me as a friend, you did not respect me as a person. You took for granted that I will always be there to back you up. NOT anymore. See how far you can go. You always like to talk about people being bitches and jerks, well its high time you realize that you happen to be a huge jerk!!!!!***

Only time can heal the damage you have done…

Realize I’ve never used any other color besides pinkish-purple? I dunno, I’m in the mood for green. Green for Gawds sake! I have no idea why. Working today is weird and the conversations today were weird as well. I have no idea why. I;m still working now actually.

Mike dropped by with E Li cuz they now work together. Yippie for them. Its a dead end boring job if you ask me and after what they did to Marcia, well, I have no comment what so ever!

I have been on duty with Allen and it was okay. I won’t comment much in here incase some people will pry me open later on to know what we spoke about. Lets just say it was pretty simple and there was nothing important shared. Cuz there is pretty much nothing left to share.

Yan is also here. I guess we’re all waiting to know whats the whole meeting about which most of us already know. Just Yan I guess. Its not her fault lah! Its that damn DAMN stupid customer. His stupid fucking face. OMFG he is so damn annoying! I hope I see him soon so I can kick his stupid goddam ass!! hardy har har. I bloody hell mean it. So much havoc just because of him alone. We do not need it!! We are good on our own as it is.. ^_^ The JERK!

I miss love so much.. Don’t ask me why. Its because I feel like its been a long time since we sat down nicely and spoke. We do sit down and have supper but we’re way to tired to talk so we just enjoy each others company, not that its not enough, its just that I wish we spent more time together. He is so busy lately with the whole being transferred to Shah Alam that I get busy with my own life too. I guess thats the way things are. Lol.

He was telling me that he misses the smell of fresh cut grass cuz he used to smell that often back in Carey Island. He is the camping, fishing, outdoor kinda guy wherelse I am the I-can’t-live-without-a-plug-point-kinda girl. Weird how we get along right? But I love him loads! LOL

Muaxxx!